


Who Is God Damning?

by orphan_account



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Character Death, Drunk Driving, F/F, Love, Major Character Injury, Permanent Injury, Trauma, implied depression, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 16:46:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1906440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There's something so perfect in her eyes, that for once, she listens. She stops talking, and watches the reflection of the sunset in Anya's eyes. She looks like the future, with the stars bright in her eyes, and words caught in her throat. They're nineteen, and they don't have any money. But it's okay. Because she has Anya, with her mirror eyes and diamond dreams."</p>
<p>Or: Two girls who were in the wrong place at the wrong time, on the wrong night. And who suffer accordingly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who Is God Damning?

**Author's Note:**

> Okay trigger warnings right here, this isn't exactly graphic with accidents, but it is entirely about the results of a drunk driving accident, and therefore should be read with caution, as it delves into deeply emotional and traumatic responses, including post traumatic depression. If you feel anything that is described in this fic, please, please talk to someone about it.
> 
> Okay trigger warnings over, warnings against potentially crappy writing I wrote and am posting this at literally 4 in the morning so if it's bad I blame sleep deprivation and my own stupidity.

"Y'know, it's not too late. We could still catch it if we-"

She clamps her hand over Amelia's mouth. "Hush." They're sitting there, tangled up in the back seat of her car, and not for the first time, Amelia has started complaining about how they could go see a movie. But they're nineteen, and they don't have any money on them, and there's only a clementine in the car with them. She feels like the luckiest girl in the world. She's sure they could get some money, charge their phones, go somewhere, do something, but she just doesn't want to.

Because right now, the sun is about to set, and the way it looks right now, dusky red and purple, with grey clouds reflecting against the water, stretching like ribbons along the horizon, is the most peaceful thing she's ever seen. 

And when the sun sets, the stars glitter like diamonds against the sky. 

\----

There's something so perfect in her eyes, that for once, she listens. She stops talking, and watches the reflection of the sunset in Anya's eyes. She looks like the future, with the stars bright in her eyes, and words caught in her throat. They're nineteen, and they don't have any money. But it's okay. Because she has Anya, with her mirror eyes and diamond dreams.

They sit there on the cliff, eyes glittering with dreams and love and each other, for hours. They've done this so many times, done this and more, done this and less, but somehow, this feels different. So, so different, and even if they're only nineteen, she wants this feeling to go on forever. 

The water reflects the stars, but it can't see them. Can't absorb them, in that moment, into the great mirror abyss of reflected knowledge, and that feels like a sin. They kiss, and it feels like their souls are locked together. Maybe there's no such thing as soul mates, but this certainly feels like it. 

She always used to wonder, if, when in claymation cartoons people would go flying, and think it was from a kiss, that was possible. The great irony is, when she has the chance to figure it out, it has to happen in the middle of this. They don't see the car coming. And neither the hours they spend on the cliff, nor the carnage of the accident make it to the sea.

\----

She doesn't black out. She is at least partially conscious during the whole accident, and she screams herself hoarse. Her legs feel like pin cushions, and eventually, she stops being able to feel them. That's when she finally starts losing consciousness. By the time someone is shouting out orders, she's slipping off into the dark.

"No, goddamnit!.... Charge again!" What are you charging, she wants to ask. Her eyes flutter shut again. What is god damning?

When she wakes up in the hospital, finally conscious and being weaned off morphine, she realizes that god is damning her.

"Miss Braginski?"

She tries to speak, but her voice just makes an unpleasant croaking noise. A hand brings a cup to her lips, and she drinks water like she's just come back from the desert. When she looks up, her brother Yuri is giving her a watery smile, and Nikolai is attached to the hand giving her water. A doctor is standing at the foot of the bed, and that is where the voice came from.

"What- what happened?" She winces, her throat painful and scratchy.

"You were in a car accident, Miss Braginski. We tried our hardest, but, I'm afraid we weren't able to repair the damage to your spinal column."

She feels like he's sucker punched her.

"Will I- can I still walk?"

The doctor gives her a grave, minute, hake of his head.

"I'm afraid not."

She swallows around the lump in her throat, and thinks.

"What happened to Amelia?"

His face is stony, and she wants to pray.

"I'm afraid that Ms. Jones was more severely injured than you were... She's been in an unresponsive state for almost two weeks."

Her brothers shoo the doctor out of the room, and hold her as she cries. This, she imagines, is what hell feels like. She prays for it to be a dream.

\----

In the next few days, they finally let her into a wheelchair, and Yuri brings her down the hall to Amelia's room, with Nikolai glaring holes at anyone fool enough to look at her for more than two seconds. Amelia's mother and father are there, ashen faced and sobbing, while her twin sister clings to her hand like a lifeline. Madeline looks about as bad as she feels, and when she looks at her, at the two of them, the guilt comes crashing into her like a freight train. When Madeline gives her a weepy hug, she feels even worse. All she had to do was go along with what she wanted, just go see a movie instead of being a romantic idiot, and this wouldn't have happened. She wants so badly to be able to go back, to that moment, to that day, that reality feels like her dizziest nightmare. Goddamnit feels understated beyond belief.

\----

Amelia's parents decide to stop the life support, and she feels like someone is pulling the plug on her will to live. They all cry, even her brothers, who barely knew her. They unplug the heart monitor before they do it, and she holds her fingers to her pulse the whole time, desperately trying to reassure herself that she's not gone, that she's not dying, not already braindead. Her heartbeat stutters out, and the last beat feels like a stake into her heart. She thinks that would be preferable to this, at least.

\------

The funeral is on a day in August, where, despite the fact that it should be sunny and humid, it's cold and damp, and gray. When the service begins, she wants to crawl into the hole with her. When people start talking about her, about Amelia and her big, blue eyes, and big, bright ideas, she sobs on an endless loop. She has to have someone help wheel her to the podium, and she feels ashamed. 

"Amelia was a beautiful person. Not just on the outside, but on the inside. She used to say that, when leaves fall, they hold all the dreams the universe couldn't carry anymore, and that," she has to take a minute, to keep herself from crying again, "that every year, Mother Nature takes those dreams and makes new ones. I wish she had had the time to realize all of her dreams." She feels awkward, and goes back to her spot, arms working too hard, trying to get it back in place.

\-----

When she finally gets to come back home, her brothers throw her a party. Lots of people come, and she appreciates it, but when people start drinking, she freaks. Because alcohol ruined her whole life, stuck her in this chair, and she wonders if she'll ever get over that. She doubts it. She throws every bottle away, while her brothers shoo everyone into the living room, and she feels crazy. Then she goes back to crying. She wants a drink.


End file.
